It is well known that historically, women relied on their husbands for economic security. It was frowned upon for women to work for money if they didn’t have to, and they often couldn’t even have a bank account or own property without a man. Today, women have more opportunities to achieve financial independence, and many are choosing to leave marriages that no longer serve them. In fact, two-thirds of divorces are initiated by women.
But men were dependent on women, too—just in a different way. Men have typically relied on their wives for emotional security, which the women provide by managing the couple’s social relationships and involvement in the community. It’s always been more common for women to take on roles like planning dinner parties, keeping in touch with friends (and often, even with the husband’s relations), sending out holiday cards, etc. As the very wise woman Alison Armstrong says, men try to do what they need to do while expending as little energy as possible, probably as a remnant of their evolutionary role as hunters. So for men, the most energy-efficient way to engage socially has been to get married and let a woman take care of it.
These days, that’s become a big problem. While developed societies now provide opportunities for women to achieve economic security outside marriage, there are fewer opportunities for men to find emotional security. After divorce, many men find themselves socially isolated, particularly if the couple’s friends take the wife’s side, which is more likely since she was probably managing the friendships with them anyway. This may explain why men typically remarry more quickly than women after getting a divorce. They need a new pathway to the social engagement that all humans need.
But that may not be the best solution, particularly if a man remarries before he’s really worked through what he did to contribute to the end of his previous marriage, and what he wants for his own future. Instead of rushing back to the altar, many men may do better by taking some proactive steps to build up their own community of friends. In many cases, this will require that the man learn new skills and take on new habits, and let’s be honest—it’s going to take some effort, in part because other men, who would make good friends for the newly divorced man, also are probably not in the habit of maintaining ongoing, supportive friendships.
So what is a divorced man to do? First, if you discover that you were dependent on your wife for your emotional support and connection while you were married, recognize that you’re not alone, and don’t beat yourself up about it. Second, put in the effort to find some new friends—preferably other men, at least at first—so that you can ground yourself in a friend group that sees and supports you. It’s going to take a bit of effort, but even one friend is a blessing if you can share your deepest feelings with them and feel connected the way we all need to be.