When someone tells you they’re getting a divorce, how do you react? Most of us default to expressing sympathy: “I’m so sorry to hear that! Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.” While well-intentioned, this response assumes divorce is always a tragedy. But is it?
Our society teaches us that divorce is inherently a bad thing: a failure, a breaking apart of something sacred. This belief shapes how we react to divorce, treating it as something to mourn. What we often overlook is that, in every divorce, at least one person (and sometimes both) sees it as the first step toward a better life than the one they’ve been living.
Yes, divorce is stressful. The process involves change, uncertainty, and often logistical chaos. But it also happens because someone believes that their life can improve on the other side of it. For many, divorce is not an ending to regret but a bold step toward a future with more happiness, peace, or authenticity.
When someone shares their divorce with me, I try not to impose my assumptions on their experience. Instead, I ask, “How would you like me to respond to that?” It’s a simple question, but it allows the person to articulate how they’re feeling and what kind of support they need.
If they’re heartbroken or grieving, they’ll let me know, and I can express genuine sympathy: “I’m really sorry to hear that.” If they’re stressed but also relieved, I can honor their courage by saying something like, “It sounds like you’re entering an exciting new chapter in your life.”
The key is to react to the person’s actual situation rather than to what we assume about it. Divorce is a deeply personal experience, and the best thing we can do is give people the space to tell us how they feel about it. Next time someone shares their divorce with you, try asking, “How would you like me to respond?” You might be surprised at the relief and gratitude they feel from being heard on their own terms.