In a recent advice column in The Guardian, a woman lamented that her husband had left her a year earlier, a few months after a conversation in which she had talked about divorce. Apparently, her comments weighed on him, and ultimately he decided to end their marriage. What I found shocking about the columnist’s response to the woman’s letter was that amid her musings about what other issues the husband may have had (his father’s recent death, e.g.), she never suggested to the woman that invoking divorce with your husband is not a very good idea if you want to stay married.
When a wife threatens divorce, the husband often takes her at her word. I don’t want to overgeneralize here, but in my experience, when a man says he wants a divorce, it’s because he wants a divorce, but when a woman says she wants a divorce, she’s often signaling that she’s feeling dissatisfied but would like to address the issue. As the wife in the advice column wrote, “I didn’t want a divorce, but I was just trying to get him to see that I felt he was neglecting me.” (Yeah, not a wise communication strategy.)
A lot of people fear abandonment. It goes way back to when we were babies and we were 100% dependent on our caregivers for our survival. If they had abandoned us, we would have died. Later in life, when we think a loved one is going to abandon us (and when she actually suggests it in conversation), it’s natural that it would bring some of those long-standing fears to the surface.
If your wife has mentioned divorce, take a step back and ask yourself: What’s really going on? Is she just trying to get your attention? Is she feeling neglected? Does she really want to connect? Yes, it’s an incredibly hurtful way for her to get that message across, but it’s an approach many women use. If your wife is doing that, then it’s up to you to figure out what’s really going on. One option would be not to assume immediately that she actually wants a divorce, and instead to try to connect with her and see if she’s open to that.
You may also want to have an honest conversation with her about how her words affected you, but you can also invite her to share what she’s feeling and what she truly wants. She may tell you that she really wants a divorce, in which case, now you know. But while some relationships might genuinely be at their end, others might just need attention, care, and better ways to communicate. Recognizing the difference can be the key to moving forward—whether that’s together or apart.