Over the holidays, I reconnected with an old friend whose wife initiated divorce six years ago. Reflecting on their journey, he shared that as far as he can see, all four members of his family—himself, his ex-wife, and their two kids—are happier and better off today than they likely would have been if the marriage hadn’t ended. Both he and his ex-wife are now happily remarried, and the kids are living their own lives and doing just fine.
I frequently hear this sentiment expressed by divorced people a few years after their divorce, whether or not they were the one to initiate the divorce. This got me thinking: our cultural commitment to marriage “’til death do us part” seems to operate like a restrictive labor market that one might find in western European countries. In those markets, it’s nearly impossible to fire employees, so people stay stuck in jobs they dislike, don’t try hard at, or aren’t good at simply because there’s no easy way out. Overall, the economy stagnates because labor is allocated to roles that aren’t productive or even useful.
Contrast this with the U.S., where it’s easier to fire employees. When someone leaves a role they don’t enjoy or excel at, they’re free to find a better fit, and the organization can hire someone who thrives in the position that has opened up. This fluidity fuels economic growth and prosperity for everyone involved.
When people stay in unhappy relationships because they believe divorce is taboo or too difficult, they’re squandering their “emotional productivity.” They’re allocating their emotional labor to something that doesn’t work, often producing more stress than fulfillment. Both partners suffer, their wellbeing declines, and if they have children, then the children grow up learning to tolerate dissatisfaction and surrender their own happiness.
By embracing the freedom to leave an unhappy marriage, individuals can reallocate their emotional energy toward relationships and activities that bring them joy. Just like in an open labor market, the willingness to end relationships that aren’t working creates opportunities for personal growth and happiness for everyone involved. And as my old friend discovered, everyone can end up better off.